Sang by Elvis Presley, Take my hand Precious Lord. Some days when I am tired fighting the memories that was instilled in me as a child that I was left with it is hard for me to express how I am feeling I than share the lyrics of song and the words truly express how I feel at times.
Christmas time of the year is so hard for me to get through. Today, now I feel little down and maybe a bit self pity. I look back to the years of my child years and all I see is sadness. My life was over before I was even begin life. On December 24, 1963, I was being continue sexual abuse repeatedly over and over. I was six years old. I felt like I was born as an Adult in a child’s body. I felt like I was trapped. I don’t expect nobody to understand the sadness I feel inside. I am not looking for pity or asking for nothing accept prayer.
See, I was on my own since I was fifteen years old and had nobody to lean on so I had to learn to survive from off the streets. I decided to go back to school to earn my high school diploma and worked hard for my diploma. It wasn’t until I turn fifty years of age that I decided to further my education. I went back to school to earn a Associated degree and major in Criminal justice so therefore I have the education to help victims. My dream was to become a Victim Advocate but it never happen.
One night as I was coming home from work after working a twelve hour shift being on my feet for twelve hours . After my shift was over I clocked out to head home. Two blocks away from my home I wanted to stop at a store to purchase a fountain soda but that did not happen either. As I was just turning into the convenience store I was hit by a drunk and driver. The young man was out celebrating turning twenty one the legal age to drive. He was under the influence of alcohol when he hit me. That was the end of my career.
I had to have three back surgeries. After my back surgeries I was able to stand on my legs for a long period of time. Here I had a school loan to pay off. I am feeling so guilty for placing this financial burden on my family. All because one night the young man made a decision to get behind the wheel intoxicated celebrating his twenty first birthday and made me his victim it changed my life. I was not able to sue him because he was living off his mother’s welfare.
My whole life was filled with heavy rocky roads and dark paths. Yet all that I have experience through out the years of my life I still found one way or another to put a good front on. It is my problem and sharing my problem with others I don’t want to bring them down. Now here it is Christmas and I received a notice from my school to tell me my school loan is in default. It just seems no matter how hard I try to do my best to get ahead nothing works out. I have to press forward and fight because one goal I am looking forward to. Trying my best forgetting my past and looking forward what God has planned ahead of me.
Some days I get tired fighting. It wears on me. I have always try to be good and obey the Ten Commandments, help others. I am not trying to brag or boast I do these things to help people because that is the kind of spirit God has given me. I am very thankful for that I am blessed and thank God for His grace. I seems bad people, sinners who lives for the things in the world are better off than me. I have always tried to work hard for all I got today.
I live by a Motto: I ask for “Nothing”, I take “Nothing”. I am not asking for a hand out, not asking for no pity, I am sure not asking for no money. I just need prayers right now. I believe in the power of prayer and that is the best gift anybody can receive. I live with TBI, (Traumatic Brain Injury) Supposedly an accident that happen when I was seven years old.A family member hit me on top of the head with a 2X4 piece of board with nails intact. I was immediately rushed to the hospital and when they got me to the hospital I fell unconscious and laid in a coma for three months.
When I came out of my coma I lost ninety percent of my memory. What was left was the bad Traumatic memory of all what happen to me starting at the age of six and remember every detail what happen on December 24th, 1963 at the age of six years old. Christmas in not one of my favorite holidays. It is Christ’s birthday so reminding myself of that gives me the strength to get through the holidays.
Where could I go? I had nobody growing up to look up to as a role model in my life. I have tried over and over to have a relationship with my oldest brother but every time we get together he tears me down making me feeling like a failure by making little comment under his breath such as; I would never mount to nothing. The enemy may have taken so much from me but they cannot take my soul.
another song that the lyrics express the words I trying to express how I feel through this Christmas holiday.