Who is JJ? What does the Initials JJ mean? Who are they?
What does these Initials mean to me? How did these two Initials have an impact in my life? What impression did they leave in my life?
For the first question: The initials JJ are the two letters of the two girls who made my life a living nightmare growing up and attending my school age years.
The first initial stands for the name Judy. Let me share a little about how she made my life live in fear. Judy was a black American girl around the age of sixteen years old or younger. For no reason of mine that I left off any signs for her to bully me that I am aware of. Why she picked me as her victim? will always be a mystery that I can’t remember for the life of me.
Whenever I walked out my door to head on to school walking to my bus stop to catch my bus I swear she be hiding around the corner or in an alley waiting for me. It got to the point it wasn’t just walking to school, she would bully me even after school hours. Walking to the boy I was dating at the time or to the store running errands for my father. Weird it may sound, Judy never came alone. She had a few of her color friends, one I can recall went by the name Angel.
One time in the late afternoon the boy I was court-shipping called my home and asked me to meet him at his home where he lived with his parents. I took different directions in hope I would bypass Judy and her friends. On this afternoon I taken the alley behind my home and as I walking to his home I be always be looking behind my back all around me, watching out for this girl. I don’t know what was her problem she had with me but I assuming she bulled me because the way I dress, the school I went to or thought I was an easy weak target. Whatever her problem was that she had with me she would never take the time to take me aside and tell me so we could come to a conclusion or some closure. It never happen. To the best of my knowledge I tried to stay clear out of her pathway.
However Judy associated with girls that were bad news. A group of girls who like to party and trouble girls. Girls who had a drug problem who taken crack and cocaine and other drugs and drank. Last I heard the one girl she associated with have died from a drug over-dose.
On one occasion walking home from leaving my boyfriends home, out of the blue Judy and a few of her black friends have jumped me and beaten the daylights out of me to where when I was down they still would kick me. Judy kicked me in the head that caused me an seizure. My oldest sister was called to the scene by an neighbor. Upon my oldest sister arrival she noticed me laying on the ground so she called the police and the police picked me up in his arms, laid me in the back seat of my sister’s car and transfer me to the Harrisburg Hospital. She made me lived in constant fear of leaving my house to walk anywhere. The violence of her bullying me every day have gotten to the point where I fear for the safety of my life. It effected my school where when I was in school all that was on my mind worrying about getting home safely.
My grades dropped. My teachers were concern because I became moody, My attitude and personality changed to where I would not go out during school hours for recess and I started isolating myself from making friends with other classmates. I was being held back having to repeat grades over again. I was fifteen years old in the seventh grade. Yeah, Judy had a great impact in my life. I remember her from this day and to where I had no respect towards black people. She target me never alone like I said, she would always be with her trouble drug addicts friends. I decided to what was best for my safety was to drop out of school in the seventh grade.
Today, as an Adult being a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a Christian. I forgiven Judy and Angel and her other friends who gang me. I even pray for her soul. It taken me over twenty years or so to find in my heart to forgive my bully’s. Healing from all they have done to me in the past it has taken all my strength to move forward.
Also I want to say, the impression Judy and her friends had on me. I thought of them as cowards and evil people. They pick their victims who are weak and followers. at times I do wandering what ever happen to Judy and the other girls who she associated. I know what I heard that one of the black girls she associated with name Angel have died through an over dose of cocaine and crack because she was a heavy drug user. To leave an impact in someone’s life for them to remember you as a evil person, a trouble maker is not a way to be remember.
Judy and Angel and the other girls who have brought me harm, made my life a living hell, were walking down in dark paths that led Angel to her death. It so sad that people chooses the dark path rather the path of the light. I ask God forgive me because when I heard the news of Angel’s death I felt no compassion for her or how she died.
Today, I am where I am and stand strong because of life experiences I had to go through being bullied. I stand strong in my faith because one time in my life I was once broken and incapable to make wise choices and incapable to make handling life because of the impact these girls Judy, Angel and their friends the trauma they caused in my life through school age years and teenage years. For the longest times, I could not forget forgive my bully’s so because I hurt I hurt people around me. I left myself fall into a deep depression and hit rock bottom so many times that I care to count.
On September 27, 2015, something deep within me kept pulling at my heart and kept hearing whispers of a small voice within that my enemies may have beaten me, traumatized me, mocked me, robbed me from my child and teenage years and tried to rob me of my life but every time they knocked me down I didn’t stay down. Lord was with me. I am reminded every day that I am here for a reason. I am here today to share my story to others in hope I can make a differences in a victims life, hope to make a differences in a bully’s life. I will never understand or comprehend the purpose Judy, Angel and her friends chosen me as their victim to bully or Why F=God allow me to go through this tribulation trouble time of my youth but I hoping and prayed I did not go through this trouble time in vain.
When I hear the small voice of God whispers telling me at times I became angry and frustrated. I never stay down, I never quit trying to understand who I was that God created, what was my purpose of why I am here for. After being baptized on September 27, 2015, as much I hated to do, I removed the blinders from my heart and started listen more clearly with an open mind, pure heart to the small voice of God. I had to do a long inventory of my own life and started looking on my life crossroads of my life path that was a challenging that filled my eyes with tears and my mind with memories I wanted to forget and leave behind.
I challenge myself to having to “Let Go!”, “Let God!” which brought my eyes flowing with more tears that I can imagine pf the heartaches, the life hardships of remembering the abuse to finally having to open up and start talking about the bully ordeal so the healing can begin for me to move forward on to the next chapter of my life. “Oh, I have fall a lot, and slipped up, at times even made things worst. Oh many times, I even thought throwing in the towel too, ending my life all my life is has been hard and I was worn down, broken spirit, felt numb inside and out. Due to being beaten in the head from Judy, Angel, and her friends, I live with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) I was never gone to mount to nothing. Every step I have taken in my life to better myself to grow in my faith to become a stronger Christian, climbing my steps higher and higher trying to let this memory in the past to be able to move forward.
Every step I have taken to climb the ladder higher and higher in life was accompanied by six steps backwards and it was taking a lot out of me and frustrating to where it was exhausting. I have to say, I may have attempted suicide several times but never succeeded in my younger years. Today, I continue to fight to survive what I was implanted in my life and in my thoughts, I am not a quitter neither should any victim from any kind of abuse they had to experience in their lives. Never give up. Never give up quitting on yourself or let go of the commitment to try to figure out the missing pieces of your life, Who?, Why? What? the purpose God has you here for?
Forgive, God has forgiven us so why can’t we forgive us who harm us? I won’t quit trying to understand or searching for the answers of the questions: Who?, What? and Why? my purpose God spared my life many times and Why am I still here? I will never let go of the fact of the commitment to try to figure out my purpose God wants me to be and how I am suppose to contribute to the world. I never stopped lifting myself up every time I fall flat on my face.
Never stop learning or searching or reading or challenging yourself. Try something new. Never stop asking questions, how we learn to find answers.
Never stop listening to what is resonated to your soul or stop listening to small voice of God’s whispers even though you don’t understand or ever find out the answers to life questions.
No matter what others may say, or think about you, they have the right to their own opinion but it doesn’t mean we have to agree to their opinion. Every human being even Pastor’s, government, doctor’s, lawyers so on makes mistakes but they are accountable for their own mistakes so don’t be a people please-er and try to fix their mistakes, We are human beings with human dignity and we can only fix our own mistakes and accountable for our mistakes to either choose to make things right and keep trying or choose to quit.
Thank you all who stops by and reads and comment on my post. Please do not turn your head and ignore many today who are still being victims of bullying or any kind of abuse. Rather it be domestic abuse, child abuse, or animal abuse, Have a voice! Don’t try to be the Hero! Take a stand to stomp out bully.